One day, you’re making jokes and grilled cheese and the next day, you’re goddamn dead.
It’s shocking, it’s numbing, it’s hilarious, it’s tragic, and it is life, and no matter how much you love someone or how much someone loves you, you are subject to it’s terms and regulation, which almost always include, at some point, being dead. Unfortunately.
Even so, it hurts like a bitch. I’ve been spending my days in Akron, helping the kids to adjust. Get them up for school, just being a pair of boobs to cry into and someone else to watch them when my cousin’s boyfriend and father are away. The grief in this house is about as palpable as cement. This is Heather’s house and, Heather’s family, and Heather’s boyfriend and Heather’s dad, and Heather’s fridge. Heather’s face is pouting at me, screaming at me, laughing at me from all three of those kids faces. I read her tweet s the other day, and she had just sworn off social media to take more time to start her business.
How fucked up is this shit, or what? Aris, then Kitty, and now this?
It’s only left me more sure of the chaos that is being alive on earth as a human being, and it has only made me more sure that I want however much of my life is left to be spent on good, on creation, on love, on compassion, and on new life. It’s funny in the ironic way how much death it takes to make you capable of truly grasping what it is to live. And for me, ‘to live’ in that sentence means to write. To love. To make love, even. In only three weeks, depite the ever growing pain in my back and knee, despite the lack of Prozac, I feel okay. I am tired. I am stressed. I am sad, so, so, so sad, as I think about all the things that death really means. Christmas is going to suck. Actually, pretty much every holiday is gonna suck a big fat one. My grandmother, Heather and Aris’s birthdays all fall in the same week. December will be a sober, alcohol infused month for me. And I think the hardest part is that for once, there is only me. I have no crutch to fall on. No brother to laugh with and break the tension. No mother to take on the role mothers do; sweeping in and fixing shit when you seem unsure. Even a lack of crazy relatives to start some shit or somber daddy to hang around and dip out the back when no one was looking. No Memaw to shake her head at the nonsense that’s going on.
It’s me, three kids who miss their mommy, a tired man who misses his lover, and a father who lost his daughter to the same mysterious spike of high blood pressure that took his wife.
And I, who only just stopped being a kid, have lost a cousin, only a cousin, who in retrospect has lost nothing. And that scares me the most —- that this kind of pain and grief I feel is nothing compared to sullen silence and emptiness that comes with losing the one thing that was constant. How I wish I could fly back to Atlanta, worry about weave and Spanish and sororities. I’ve lost the little chance I had to have the second childhood of being young and stupid right now. and honestly, I don’t want it. It’s worth to be reminded once again, that I am not invincible, carpe diem, memento mori, ask not for whom the bell tolls, for it tolls for thee.
So I’ve spent the night re-planning my life again. It’s hard to prioritize, but I have a rough plan. This is out of nowhere, but Ithink I will actually be a nurse — The midwife stuff has gotten to me, and I am letting it. The idea of being able to be the bouncer into this cruel, amazing wonderful life give me the chills, then warms me up inside. I type the word ‘midwife’ and feel like the sun just exploded into being inside of me. The school part of it seems daunting as shit, and I am a little sad and guilty and failure-feeling’s about ditching English, and Spelman too, but maybe it was never meant to be. It never felt right, until it did, and I think that feeling home and at peace there, and having met some decent friends that are more like sister than even my own sister and I (Even if that’s mostly my fault really….I’ll fix that too, soon) is what I needed to go where I needed to be.
Right now, at least for this year, I need to be in fucking Ohio. I think I’ve known since the day Aris was buried that this was where I needed to be. I remember crying in the bathroom and wishing I could fly here and never leave, spend the rest of the year sleeping next to Chris since Juno wasn’t around. And now that life has pulled this fast one on all of us, the kids — Harmony and Heiress, at least, need me around for a while.
Heiress is singing in her sleep right next to me, and I don’t think I could leave her with a good conscious. But I have to do something, besides play house with Chris is Kent (Moving in together end of next month…that’s a whole ‘nother post) and I think it is about time that I sucked it up….And went back to school 😦
Kent, for those who can’t, as my favorite high school teacher used to say.
*cue keyboard head smash*
That being said…. good morning world 🙂